Sarah, the first spiritually single woman

The story of Sarah is an interesting example of submission. Remember when she was Sarai? Genesis 12 says:

Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, "The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her." Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian maidservant Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived. When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me."

"Your servant is in your hands," Abram said. "Do with her whatever you think best." Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?"

"I'm running away from my mistress Sarai," she answered.

Genesis 16:1-8

What happened?

Sarai’s lack of faith in God caused her to send Hagar into Abram creating a child that started a family feud that would cause wars between two nations for generations to come. The pain that the child caused Sarai for years—even after the birth of her own child late in life was—excruciating. It caused her to mistreat her servant. It caused her jealousy and envy. Truly this was not Sarai’s finest hour. But God used these circumstances to change Sarai.

So great was the change in Sarai’s life that it warrants her mention in I Peter. Two times, Sarai/Sarah had to follow her husband Abram into foreign lands and protected him by pretending to be his sister instead of his wife. She was taken into the palaces of kings (Genesis 12 and 20) as their royal wife because she supported Abram’s lies and God was not happy! She submitted to living Abram's lie and God protected her while He worked the truth into Abram.

By the time she had to participate in this lie for the second time, Sarah was still attractive at age 90. As Sarai yielded to God and to Abram, she was truly changed. God blessed her with a new name, Sarah; a transformed husband, Abraham; and with a pregnancy. She became Isaac’s mother in her old age. As the first apostles celebrated Jesus, Sarah gets mentioned because generations later, her humble service resulted in the lineage of Jesus. Hers is a worst case scenario. Her story makes me feel so much better about mine!

So can we, as believers married to unbelievers emulate Sarah? Can we endure the issues our husbands bring into our households? Is it possible that those issues will transform us? Transform our husbands? Is it worth the risk?

How do you feel about the words purity and reverence?

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:1-4

As a child of the seventies, I have to tell you up front that I am not fond of the words purity or reverence. The world we live in does not consider these virtues today like they were considered when these words were written. But God finds them important enough to have them written for me, a former feminist hippie-type, to find in the 21^st century. I can’t just gloss over them or avoid them. If I am going to follow Christ, I have to BE them! That’s going to take some significant understanding, so I started with my good friend Webster. His definition for pure has four entries, but for our purposes, I chose three definitions that I can learn, live with every day, and most important, demonstrate.

Webster says that “purity is the state of being pure.”

Pure is:

1 – free from harshness or roughness and being in tune (like a musical instrument)

2 – a) free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; b) containing nothing that does not properly belong; c) free from moral fault or guilt; d) marked by chastity

3 – having exactly the talents or skills needed for a particular role

I want to be in tune with my husband. I don’t want to make my husband ineffective (vitiate), weaken him or pollute him. I don’t want to hold onto anything that does not belong in our marriage. I don’t want to be morally responsible or guilty for anything I do in this or any other relationship. I want to be equipped for my role as the best wife for my husband. In all those definitions, I want purity. I truly want to be in “the state of being pure.”

Webster’s definition of reverence:

Reverence: honor or respect felt or shown : DEFERENCE; especially : profound adoring, awed respect

Reverence is a bit easier for me. Remember the first commercials for the Datsun 240Z? That’s when the word “awesome” was re-introduced in pop culture. Since then we have built a culture around the word “AWESOME!” that resonates reverence. I really do love my husband and want to adore him. Why would I want to do that? Does he deserve it? Probably not, at least not all the time. But I want to revere and respect my husband--make him feel like he is awesome--because it is “of great worth in God’s sight.”

Even at the times when he is least adorable, I want to show him my respect and honor. I just remember how Nancy Reagan looked up at her husband, Ronnie, our 40^th President of the United States. She revered him. I think her obvious reverence fed the love between them. I want that in my marriage too, so I will practice reverence.

If your husband is in one of those “least adorable” stages, ask God to show you how to respect and revere your husband as you seek to honor God in your respect for your husband. Ask God to allow you to see the good in your husband as God himself sees the good. Maybe it is in the way he analyzes a situation, plans his spending or saving, sometimes it is the way he smiles, sometimes it is his patience, but there is always good because God has created your husband in His own image. Make a commitment to a pure and reverent lifestyle because it is of great worth in God’s sight. Don't be surprise if God changes things!

Every Woman Needs a Mentor

Every spiritually single woman needs a mentor. I have heard the word “femtor” used, which I happen to like better because I think it is more descriptive of women helping women which is critical for our purity. Paul tells us:

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5

Mentor/femtor relationships do not have to be formal assignments. You may make an informal phone call to one friend regarding an issue about your children. You may check in with another when it comes to an issue about obedience or finances because that person has a successful track record. If you don’t experience a long term connection with someone right away, just continue to pray that God would lead you to your mentor/femtor until you find one or many. Perhaps you have been spiritually single for a long time and it’s time for you to share your wisdom with others. After a period of extravagant grace, we reach a dry place if we don’t give from our abundance. If you sense that this paragraph describes you, there are probably women who are struggling alone who need your help. Pray and ask God to guide you to them.

Do you have a very best friend who prayerfully supports you? Describe how you met and how long you have been connected.

Could you become a mentor/femtor? Under what conditions?

Write a want ad for the perfect best friend. Identify key characteristics of the mentor/femtor that would be best for you. Tuck these away in your Bible and see who God provides!

Reflection & Encouragement:

WANTED: Spiritually mature Christian female. Must be wise, discerning, kindhearted, and savvy. Needed for prayer, encouragement, and guidance. Must have waterproof shoulders to cry on, durable knees for long periods of prayer, and strong backbone to stand up to a friend when necessary.

What about male friends?

Friends are very important—and it is very important in marriages like ours that our friends be females. With male friends there is too much chance for emotional or physical adultery for women who are spiritually single.

Several years ago, I had an experience in which I was tested in regard to my friendships. I volunteered at a local, faith-based charity where the formerly imprisoned were recruited into a program to mainstream them back into productive lives. It was a marvelous agency and every day I saw God’s transformational power in amazing ways through these folks. My husband and I were new to the community and his job kept him traveling frequently. I had lots of spare time to help. I had taken on a major project—the agency’s first gala—so I stayed busy while I was in the office/store. was here that I met David. He was tall, well dressed, educated and brilliant. It's here I would like to say, "not your typical ex-con," but I don't think any of them are typical anymore. He was very articulate with the tiniest hint of an Eastern accent and he had a chip on his shoulder that rivaled the Rock of Gibraltar.

David worked as a salesperson and during the time when there were no customers, he brought his Bible and studied it alone for hours. There was an amazing change that started in David. The anger began to be replaced by contentment and the chip on his shoulder dissolved into an intense care and compassion for the people around him. I came in one day with a myriad of tasks to complete in a hurry and he directed his care toward me. He became my assistant for the gala. What a gift from God! I could never have achieved such great results without David. His transformation inspired me to get into the Word of God and dig deeper. I began to see God changing me too, making me a new person again after following Jesus for over 30 years!

After the gala, our home was scheduled for a kitchen renovation. It was often difficult for the formerly incarcerated to find work, so it did not seem unusual when David and many others asked me to call if we needed help. He painted and did odd jobs for me. I have always been careful when service guys came to look a little (okay, a lot!) unkempt and I did this with David too. He continued to serve me like a willing servant. He was a perfect example of the kind of wife I should be! He was such a blessing, praying for me, listening to me, sharing the Word of God with me, listening to Christian music, taking on every task “heartily, as unto the Lord.” He prayed openly for me and always asked for follow-up on subsequent visits. His prayers made him suddenly very….attractive. Yikes! Eventually, I confessed to him that as a wife with an unbelieving spouse, I was concerned with the appropriateness of our friendship, or worse yet, what Satan could do with both our lives and friendship if we were not careful. We agreed that we must be “above reproach.” After that, he brought an assistant. When the job was done, we sold the house and moved.

During that time, David provided for me what my unsaved husband could not—spiritual support. Though we were still above reproach we spoke frequently by phone until the last call. I told him I needed to stop communicating with him and like a good friend, he finished my sentence, “because our friendship is getting in the way of your primary relationship.” The tie with David was severed. As a spiritually single woman, there was no logical place for a relationship like this to go except to sin. He was a single man with many friends and I was just one of them. He was very understanding, but I grieved the loss of my friend, my spiritual support for weeks after.

We have an enemy who stalks us like a prowling lion and seeks to destroy us. Our enemy will use attractive, God-fearing men to fill our intimacy-starved souls to lead us to commit sin and destroy us, our marriages, the lives of our male friends and indirectly our children and the legacy we will leave them. Don’t be deceived. We the spiritually single cannot risk the outcome of an intimate relationship with a male other than our husband.

I knew God had allowed me to experience temptation of biblical proportion. Others in my family had failed in similar situations. I know because I was born an illegitimate child. But when faced with the same temptation, God allowed me an escape of equally biblical proportion through an out of state relocation. I had been sifted. On the other side of that experience has come the blessing of greater intimacy with my husband and a deepening of my commitment to him and to God. My dearest friends came alongside me and listened and encouraged me. I am a stronger person because of that experience.

Have you ever had a connection with a male friend that was difficult in your marriage? How did you solve that problem?

As iron sharpens iron, so one [wo]man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

As spiritually single women, we may feel lonely in our marriages, unable to share our true selves, our spiritual selves, with our husbands. It is especially important for us to have Christian friends, especially girlfriends who can pray with us and offer support. Friends can share in our joy of being part of God’s family, and can help us to grow in our relationship with Jesus.

My Friend Donna

Donna walked in late to the first day of our ladies’ small group/Bible study. We introduced ourselves around the table and I was the only one who mentioned that my husband did not share my faith. In retrospect, I realize that announcing in a new group that you are married to a non-believer could be a social calamity, so very few women are open about it. Because I was willing to be candid, after the meeting Donna sought me out to tell me her husband was not a believer either. Donna’s husband is Muslim and mine is Jewish, which could be a story all by itself. Both were professionals. We both had resources and we both shared a love for Christ AND our husbands. Neither of our husbands understood our commitment to Jesus. It was easy to relate to Donna and I loved her right away. Because of our choice of mates, we both felt like we had one foot in the world and one in the spirit. We prayed together, laughed together, played together, shopped together, talked forever and learned together. We were often considered too carnal for some church activities and way too holy for the non-believers we knew.

In many ways, Donna became the spiritual partner that my husband could not be. I feel fortunate today that she is still in my corner. We pray for each other often and even though I have moved away, we are still remarkably close spiritual partners.

We Need Girlfriends

Look around you. Who has God placed in your life that might become a spiritual support for your? Is there a Donna in your life?

How Does Being Spiritually Single Affect Us?

From a spiritual standpoint, we will not have a partnership when it comes to God like we do in other areas of our marriage. We will not experience shared intimacy about spiritual thoughts with our husbands. They will not encourage us to grow. They will not pray for us. We will learn to store information like camels to share with our female friends or small group, but we will rarely have the daily interaction with our partners that would feed our starving souls.

There are times that I feel depressed because the flow of the Holy Spirit can become stifled at our house. I go to church alone and socially sometimes it would just be easier to stay at home than walk in and sit alone again. Other times I have created a conflict, dragged my husband along to a church-sponsored event and regretted every minute of it. As a woman who is spiritually single, I long to connect with others and need an environment that is safe and supportive to do so. Most times it will not include my husband. When he comes it changes the dynamics of the worship.

Maybe you are a woman who carries guilt for your choice in partners, or you struggle with your heart being held captive by a man who does not cherish Jesus like you do. I know that in my marriage, sometimes it’s hard to tell if I love God or my husband more. I really love Ed, and it is often easier to worship him than God. It is always easier to follow him than God—an extra hour cuddling under the warm covers with my husband on a cold, snowy Sunday morning is hard to resist. The problem is that Ed has the ability to disappoint me when I worship him and God never fails me. Who, then, is more worthy of my worship? I believe part of God’s plan for the spiritually single is to get beyond the guilt, because we cannot be an example if we are weighed down with guilt. We cannot be free to worship while guilt has a foothold in our lives.

“Life would be so much easier if only he was saved,” was my mantra for a long time. “If he’d go to church with me and serve God with me—think how much we could do to make a difference in this world!” That sounds good on the surface, but for me this is arrogance. When I make that statement, I want my husband along to validate me and make my life easier, not because I am concerned for his salvation. Our lives should not be made more picture perfect, but more godly. We should be looking for what God’s plan is and get in on it! I am convinced that God’s plan for me was to learn more godly behavior that springs up involuntarily from my God-satisfied soul through this spiritually single situation. When I know all I need to know, God will take me to the next challenge. He may send the Holy Spirit to take the veil off my husband’s face so that he can be saved. We may one day serve together. Or not.

It is my genuine hope that through the entries in this blog that you will find the freedom that Christ offers us no matter to whom you are married and what his beliefs may be today. It is also my prayerful hope that you will offer your husband that same freedom. I pray that you will find an opportunity to learn about God’s plan for you and the tools you need to connect with other women in a nurturing, healthy environment, to be accepted and loved for who you are. That's what this blog is for, so jump in and leave your comments. Make this a regular part of your community. Equally important for you, is to learn without ever uttering a word, to reflect God's freedom at home so your husband can be won over by your behavior.

Until next time, be blessed!

So, now what?

As spiritually single women, we may have a harder path, but the good news is that Jesus knew where your path was headed even before you were born. Did we have a choice? Of course we did. Since this is the choice we made, God is merciful to meet us where we are.

If you have been rebellious, guess what? Jesus stretched out his arms, died for your sins and offers you forgiveness! If your husband has deceived you or abandoned his agreement to live in a Christ-centered home, God offers forgiveness for those sins! If Jesus can pay the price and forgive him, shouldn’t you extend at least as much grace? And forgive him for what his deception has meant in your life?

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Romans 8:1-2

Did we miss God’s plan for our lives? No, but clearly we chose Plan B when God had Plan A in mind for us.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity.” Jeremiah 29:11-14

Could the marriage partner you chose be the divine plan God designed just for your spiritual growth? Your path with an unsaved husband will provide you with unique opportunities for personal growth that you never dreamed of! Your husband has the opportunity to see and experience Christ through you. It is an awesome and rewarding challenge. Your mission everyday for the rest of your life is right in your own home. While others raise money and travel to “do missionary work,” you can do it at home; sometimes, even in your bunny slippers! And sometimes in your birthday suit (more on that later)!