How do you feel about the words purity and reverence?

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:1-4

As a child of the seventies, I have to tell you up front that I am not fond of the words purity or reverence. The world we live in does not consider these virtues today like they were considered when these words were written. But God finds them important enough to have them written for me, a former feminist hippie-type, to find in the 21^st century. I can’t just gloss over them or avoid them. If I am going to follow Christ, I have to BE them! That’s going to take some significant understanding, so I started with my good friend Webster. His definition for pure has four entries, but for our purposes, I chose three definitions that I can learn, live with every day, and most important, demonstrate.

Webster says that “purity is the state of being pure.”

Pure is:

1 – free from harshness or roughness and being in tune (like a musical instrument)

2 – a) free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; b) containing nothing that does not properly belong; c) free from moral fault or guilt; d) marked by chastity

3 – having exactly the talents or skills needed for a particular role

I want to be in tune with my husband. I don’t want to make my husband ineffective (vitiate), weaken him or pollute him. I don’t want to hold onto anything that does not belong in our marriage. I don’t want to be morally responsible or guilty for anything I do in this or any other relationship. I want to be equipped for my role as the best wife for my husband. In all those definitions, I want purity. I truly want to be in “the state of being pure.”

Webster’s definition of reverence:

Reverence: honor or respect felt or shown : DEFERENCE; especially : profound adoring, awed respect

Reverence is a bit easier for me. Remember the first commercials for the Datsun 240Z? That’s when the word “awesome” was re-introduced in pop culture. Since then we have built a culture around the word “AWESOME!” that resonates reverence. I really do love my husband and want to adore him. Why would I want to do that? Does he deserve it? Probably not, at least not all the time. But I want to revere and respect my husband--make him feel like he is awesome--because it is “of great worth in God’s sight.”

Even at the times when he is least adorable, I want to show him my respect and honor. I just remember how Nancy Reagan looked up at her husband, Ronnie, our 40^th President of the United States. She revered him. I think her obvious reverence fed the love between them. I want that in my marriage too, so I will practice reverence.

If your husband is in one of those “least adorable” stages, ask God to show you how to respect and revere your husband as you seek to honor God in your respect for your husband. Ask God to allow you to see the good in your husband as God himself sees the good. Maybe it is in the way he analyzes a situation, plans his spending or saving, sometimes it is the way he smiles, sometimes it is his patience, but there is always good because God has created your husband in His own image. Make a commitment to a pure and reverent lifestyle because it is of great worth in God’s sight. Don't be surprise if God changes things!

Every Woman Needs a Mentor

Every spiritually single woman needs a mentor. I have heard the word “femtor” used, which I happen to like better because I think it is more descriptive of women helping women which is critical for our purity. Paul tells us:

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5

Mentor/femtor relationships do not have to be formal assignments. You may make an informal phone call to one friend regarding an issue about your children. You may check in with another when it comes to an issue about obedience or finances because that person has a successful track record. If you don’t experience a long term connection with someone right away, just continue to pray that God would lead you to your mentor/femtor until you find one or many. Perhaps you have been spiritually single for a long time and it’s time for you to share your wisdom with others. After a period of extravagant grace, we reach a dry place if we don’t give from our abundance. If you sense that this paragraph describes you, there are probably women who are struggling alone who need your help. Pray and ask God to guide you to them.

Do you have a very best friend who prayerfully supports you? Describe how you met and how long you have been connected.

Could you become a mentor/femtor? Under what conditions?

Write a want ad for the perfect best friend. Identify key characteristics of the mentor/femtor that would be best for you. Tuck these away in your Bible and see who God provides!

Reflection & Encouragement:

WANTED: Spiritually mature Christian female. Must be wise, discerning, kindhearted, and savvy. Needed for prayer, encouragement, and guidance. Must have waterproof shoulders to cry on, durable knees for long periods of prayer, and strong backbone to stand up to a friend when necessary.

What about male friends?

Friends are very important—and it is very important in marriages like ours that our friends be females. With male friends there is too much chance for emotional or physical adultery for women who are spiritually single.

Several years ago, I had an experience in which I was tested in regard to my friendships. I volunteered at a local, faith-based charity where the formerly imprisoned were recruited into a program to mainstream them back into productive lives. It was a marvelous agency and every day I saw God’s transformational power in amazing ways through these folks. My husband and I were new to the community and his job kept him traveling frequently. I had lots of spare time to help. I had taken on a major project—the agency’s first gala—so I stayed busy while I was in the office/store. was here that I met David. He was tall, well dressed, educated and brilliant. It's here I would like to say, "not your typical ex-con," but I don't think any of them are typical anymore. He was very articulate with the tiniest hint of an Eastern accent and he had a chip on his shoulder that rivaled the Rock of Gibraltar.

David worked as a salesperson and during the time when there were no customers, he brought his Bible and studied it alone for hours. There was an amazing change that started in David. The anger began to be replaced by contentment and the chip on his shoulder dissolved into an intense care and compassion for the people around him. I came in one day with a myriad of tasks to complete in a hurry and he directed his care toward me. He became my assistant for the gala. What a gift from God! I could never have achieved such great results without David. His transformation inspired me to get into the Word of God and dig deeper. I began to see God changing me too, making me a new person again after following Jesus for over 30 years!

After the gala, our home was scheduled for a kitchen renovation. It was often difficult for the formerly incarcerated to find work, so it did not seem unusual when David and many others asked me to call if we needed help. He painted and did odd jobs for me. I have always been careful when service guys came to look a little (okay, a lot!) unkempt and I did this with David too. He continued to serve me like a willing servant. He was a perfect example of the kind of wife I should be! He was such a blessing, praying for me, listening to me, sharing the Word of God with me, listening to Christian music, taking on every task “heartily, as unto the Lord.” He prayed openly for me and always asked for follow-up on subsequent visits. His prayers made him suddenly very….attractive. Yikes! Eventually, I confessed to him that as a wife with an unbelieving spouse, I was concerned with the appropriateness of our friendship, or worse yet, what Satan could do with both our lives and friendship if we were not careful. We agreed that we must be “above reproach.” After that, he brought an assistant. When the job was done, we sold the house and moved.

During that time, David provided for me what my unsaved husband could not—spiritual support. Though we were still above reproach we spoke frequently by phone until the last call. I told him I needed to stop communicating with him and like a good friend, he finished my sentence, “because our friendship is getting in the way of your primary relationship.” The tie with David was severed. As a spiritually single woman, there was no logical place for a relationship like this to go except to sin. He was a single man with many friends and I was just one of them. He was very understanding, but I grieved the loss of my friend, my spiritual support for weeks after.

We have an enemy who stalks us like a prowling lion and seeks to destroy us. Our enemy will use attractive, God-fearing men to fill our intimacy-starved souls to lead us to commit sin and destroy us, our marriages, the lives of our male friends and indirectly our children and the legacy we will leave them. Don’t be deceived. We the spiritually single cannot risk the outcome of an intimate relationship with a male other than our husband.

I knew God had allowed me to experience temptation of biblical proportion. Others in my family had failed in similar situations. I know because I was born an illegitimate child. But when faced with the same temptation, God allowed me an escape of equally biblical proportion through an out of state relocation. I had been sifted. On the other side of that experience has come the blessing of greater intimacy with my husband and a deepening of my commitment to him and to God. My dearest friends came alongside me and listened and encouraged me. I am a stronger person because of that experience.

Have you ever had a connection with a male friend that was difficult in your marriage? How did you solve that problem?